What is Love?

What is Love?

In our upcoming book, “JourneyMan, Man’s Journey into Wholeness” the definitive statement about love is deeply philosophical and reads “At the heart of love lies commitment. Commitment is more than fidelity, greater than the sum of the feelings, and more reliable than the seasons. The assumption of mutual relationship is concomitant with love. The external ramifications of love are the holding of hands, the loving looks, the passionate kiss. The internal reality of love is the surety, safety and strength of belonging.”

Taken at face value, this is idealistic, naive and truly beautiful. Within it is all the hope, joy and excitement of falling in love - an incredible plus in this cynical world. The naivety is clear, in that the world is intolerant of emotionality. The beauty rests in the sum of the both.

Love is overrated and exploited and the only true love we have is for our higher power and for our children – we give them both our whole spirit and this is a fact. Any parent who is unable to give this love is psychologically challenged and has some core deep personality defect or worse. Psychopathic and sociopathic parents don’t care about love, but understand the abusive manipulative power of love to get what they want. They bring up children who often do the same by learning through observation even when they themselves are not diagnosed with these crippling disorders – sad isn’t it!

Every person will have a different definition of love, and Annias Anin clearly says that we “don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are”. So how can we all see love the same way, it is impossible. Media has told us, however, that love Hollywood style is simple, so easy and so readily acceptable.

The modern poets today are the musicians, who for all there style and genre differences express love in gentle and savage ways. The young people of today, and the older ones like me who still appreciate music of any form, can hear their sentiment and their angst.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, a feeling of I don’t give a damn. Somehow, it is easier to walk away from someone for whom you don’t give a continental. But you loved them once, and what has changed, what has shifted, what has devolved, what came undone? I would hazard a guess that we realized that our needs weren’t being met, and in an attempt to be heard, expressed these needs. Other people often read our needs as demands and will react in a childish almost predictable manner of non-compliance. Strange how a need expressed is seen as hard work by someone else, the same person who confessed undying love and adoration – once.

In high school, saying the “L” work was so difficult, but as we get older, it becomes easier and easier to say, often to the wrong people. Many times it is said for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time, but hey, if someone loves me, there must be something to it? Wrong! Love is two-way thing, and it does not come with demands or rules. The guiding principles behind love are “love as you would like to be loved” – don’t expect it, it seldom happens. Nice ideal though.

“I love you” can often be substituted for I need you, I am lonely, I don’t like being alone and sadly I am desperate to be loved. Admittedly if the need is so strong for both parties, the relationship may just work, dysfunctionally maybe, but it may work. The real problem is when one person’s need is legitimate and the other person’s dysfunctional. A recipe for disaster.

Real love is expressed on Valentine’s Day, and I hear you laugh out loud with me, and with flower shops, card manufacturers and restaurant owners alike (did I forget Jewelers too?). Tokens of love are not love, card professing love are often contrived, and flowers die. Real love can die too.

Erich Fromm says that we only have 3 basic needs as human being, “To Love, To be Loved and To be Recognised’’. You can love someone, and they can love you too, but if you don’t recognize them for who they are, leave, you are wasting your time. Expecting someone to change to be the person you want them to be is tantamount to manipulation, blackmail and subversion. Like me or leave me, your choice, but don’t demand that I change to make you happy, who do you think you are?

A friend of mine for this reason says that he believes in “Serial Monogamy”, and I believe he has a point. I don’t necessarily believe that he will be happy all his life, but believe me he is a hell of a lot happier than other men trapped in unhappy, unloving relationships

So for all the honour and integrity in the well meant, accurate and idealistic statement about love, the principles apply, but most often are not applied with integrity. Integrity means you mean it without expecting anything in return – look it is good being loved back, but it rarely happens. Someone once said that the greatest dishonesty you can inflict on another person is to tell them that you love them when you don’t. You are also a fraud if you utter those words “I love you” and don’t show it in your attitudes and actions. You see, love is all or nothing and somewhere in between doesn’t cut it. Real love is a diamond (albeit with its faults) and dishonest love is a pure flawless zirconium – looks the same, but it is a cheap replacement for the real thing.

“She loves me, she loves me not” has destroyed many perfect flowers, will you let it destroy you?